If GI Joe: Rise of Cobra Was Made in the 1980's (cont'd)

Ok, I'm back. So now while I was gone it occurred to me that many people I could consider for roles in my fantasy film do not have the career tracks they should considering their worldwide hotness at the time. It seems to me that when 20 years ago this month the Berlin Wall came down, so did American standards as to what constitutes cinema sex appeal. The following are actors I have chosen to play most prominent roles as baddies in my imaginary GI Joe movie masterpiece. Take a walk with me now down memory lane and then tell me if I haven't hit any proverbial nails right on the head.

1.) Sean Connery



as Destro



2.) Sonia Braga



Baroness



3.) Mark Hamill



Cobra Commander



4.) William Sadler



Zartan



5.) Harry Hamiln



Tomax and Xamot



6.) Timothy Dalton



Major Bludd



That's it, folks! For right now, I'm done. If I feel like it, maybe we'll see some more second-tier characters later on. Right now its a fight just to get this posted correctly. In the words of the all-mighty Sum Dum Goy factory workers from classic 80's blaxploitation film Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon: "catch ya on the flip-flop!"

If GI Joe: Rise Of Cobra Was Made In The 80's

Who would star in a live-action movie based on the classic children's action figure property GI Joe: A Real American Hero? This is a question many people may find themselves asking today in light of the recent prequel "GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra" (in theaters now) but I have a different query: Who would've starred in a movie based on these toys 20 years ago? I'm talking when this property was the must-have hottest action figure commodity after He-Man or Transformers but before Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If this film came out coinciding with the animated, televised GI Joe: The Movie serial in approx. 1987 or '88 who would star in it? Well, leave it up to yours truly to figure it all out for myself.

Here now, much like the David Letterman top ten (but not so funny) are my choices for who could portray each character in the imaginary movie. If anything, you'll wonder why the execs at Paramount didn't stop watching Yacht Rock re-runs online and actually make a damn GI Joe movie! Here we go...

1.) Bruce Willis as



General Hawk



2.) Patrick Swayze



Duke



3.) Sigourney Weaver



Lady Jaye



4.) Lorenzo Lamas



Flint



5.) Renee Russo



Scarlett



6.) Mark Dacascos



Snake Eyes



7.) Ving Rhames



Roadblock



These are just the heroes! Wait until you see who I chose next time as members of COBRA!!!! Remember, knowing is half the battle. YO JOE! (GI JOE! *outgoing episode music*)