If GI Joe: Rise of Cobra Was Made in the 1980's (cont'd)

Ok, I'm back. So now while I was gone it occurred to me that many people I could consider for roles in my fantasy film do not have the career tracks they should considering their worldwide hotness at the time. It seems to me that when 20 years ago this month the Berlin Wall came down, so did American standards as to what constitutes cinema sex appeal. The following are actors I have chosen to play most prominent roles as baddies in my imaginary GI Joe movie masterpiece. Take a walk with me now down memory lane and then tell me if I haven't hit any proverbial nails right on the head.

1.) Sean Connery



as Destro



2.) Sonia Braga



Baroness



3.) Mark Hamill



Cobra Commander



4.) William Sadler



Zartan



5.) Harry Hamiln



Tomax and Xamot



6.) Timothy Dalton



Major Bludd



That's it, folks! For right now, I'm done. If I feel like it, maybe we'll see some more second-tier characters later on. Right now its a fight just to get this posted correctly. In the words of the all-mighty Sum Dum Goy factory workers from classic 80's blaxploitation film Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon: "catch ya on the flip-flop!"

If GI Joe: Rise Of Cobra Was Made In The 80's

Who would star in a live-action movie based on the classic children's action figure property GI Joe: A Real American Hero? This is a question many people may find themselves asking today in light of the recent prequel "GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra" (in theaters now) but I have a different query: Who would've starred in a movie based on these toys 20 years ago? I'm talking when this property was the must-have hottest action figure commodity after He-Man or Transformers but before Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If this film came out coinciding with the animated, televised GI Joe: The Movie serial in approx. 1987 or '88 who would star in it? Well, leave it up to yours truly to figure it all out for myself.

Here now, much like the David Letterman top ten (but not so funny) are my choices for who could portray each character in the imaginary movie. If anything, you'll wonder why the execs at Paramount didn't stop watching Yacht Rock re-runs online and actually make a damn GI Joe movie! Here we go...

1.) Bruce Willis as



General Hawk



2.) Patrick Swayze



Duke



3.) Sigourney Weaver



Lady Jaye



4.) Lorenzo Lamas



Flint



5.) Renee Russo



Scarlett



6.) Mark Dacascos



Snake Eyes



7.) Ving Rhames



Roadblock



These are just the heroes! Wait until you see who I chose next time as members of COBRA!!!! Remember, knowing is half the battle. YO JOE! (GI JOE! *outgoing episode music*)

Click the picture. The thing is so pretty it puts my looks to shame.

=OxO=

Pummeling A Paradox

What We've Done

Here in the world we're faced with problems. Our leaders don't listen and we can't just solve them. How do we figure out what to do when all that we're told is blatantly untrue? You tell me that I need to push forward but it's easy for you to say, your skin is not south of the border. People don't translate and misconstrue what you say, they gossip and brag how its your daughters they date. The same ones now are they from back then, or did you forget as they suggested you sin? Nobody's a saint, to hell with the sinners, in efforts to eradicate white house brought back the winners. Why am I here? That is a fair quandary, but then again I... am not your dirty laundry.

Now look, you're not helping.

The world is so pretty.



Look at all the wonderous spectacles we've helped to achieve.





More good stuff can be made but it takes a group effort.





Together, we're all unstoppable.

Don't call ME if people are lookin for YOU

So you must think I'm really dumb, huh? That I donno shit when controversy is biting you in the ass and not me? What, you want me to feel responsible for shit that I have nothing to do with? That if I call you, that if I contact you I will look like the bad guy framed with fingers pointed at me? Some luck. You must have so much shit to hide it's made you more paranoid than a puritan spic on good friday. If I'm that seafood you're tryin to cook, y'all can eat me. Killin' people for what they *might* say? That's inquisition bullshit right there, yo! If one of you were in colonial times, you know and I know you'd be held down with a native knife to your throat until you made a second draft of the constitution. Don't think I've forgotten that native americans were considered the first communists for 1.) Bringing blacks and whites together and 2.) living with the land and not on it. If those squaws really were your american daughters then why were they treated worse than Pocahontas was with smallpox overseas? What does that say about what little you can handle and how much I can, asshole? Figure it out! ;)

Say, my man I need to know if this is true. The man is trying to take money owed to the writers away and call it theirs because of the cost to put shit on the internet? That is wrong! I tell you what, if I was there I would be all up in their faces and say I have gone to the press with all the shit you've been keepin me as your bitch knowin' about me. You want blackmail? How about that time I caught you somewhere that people donno about or when you held out on people and made me cover for ya? Oops, well guess what? If something like you want to happen does happen to me there are too many people that know who will run shit if they don't hear from me. Then I'd be like back off or its your ass and you'll be prayin to Odin for them days when brothas were just callin Cavemen a racist program mr. Marquis De Sade, ok?

Ok, now see for my entire life there has been drama. When I was born, my dad's family downplayed not liking my mom. When I was barely walking, older relatives that my brothers got along with and I was close to moved away. When I was 4, a kid who taught me to be proud of myself died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. When I was 6 one of my grandparents and one of my brothers' grandparents died that kinda traumatized me. It's kinda hard to learn that people don't visit anymore because they can't. When I was 7 my dad's father developed alzheimers after suffering a stroke and I got in trouble at school for kissing girls to the extent that overly-possessive parents wanted to say it was sexual harassment. Not to mention kids all over were out to get me because of some political crap involving my parents. When I was 8, I learned that someone my relatives invited over to visit my grandparents had a rap sheet for touching kids and it made me paranoid. When I was 9, my older bro slapped me around anytime I didn't "respect" him and I got suspended the first of many times at school. When I was 11, I was sent to the principal's office often for reacting to people provoking me. I got suspended for defending myself against a teacher who was telling me I wasn't wanted in her classroom and later for stupid stuff to make an excuse for the school shrink's job. Then a bitch who wanted my dad's business tried to sexually harass me by flashing herself but I turned it back on her embarassingly by casually sitting on the floor. It didn't hurt that there was nothing the owner (who backstabbed my dad and relatives) could do having been arrested for peeping. Then I went to school with wealthy children and had no problems all year long. Until a troublemaker who was friends with relatives of radicals and kissed cop butt single-handedly started in on the same shit that kids at the other school had. Luckily I was never suspended out of school but it still sucked considering how good I was doing. Then my dad's parents who had raised me since birth died within a week of each other and I still get nervous thinking about it. Then I started jr. high and despite taking a pacifist approach, still was provoked and had to help someone stay out of trouble that I'm sure my mom would testify shouldn't have been involved in the first place. Then a dear friend of my brother and myself died and once again I was traumatized bc this friend was cool with my dad also. The next year a few kids played like they were my friends and ended up not listening to me. All their friends tried to start trouble with me in class (again). Then a fat kid I was nice to turned on me and tried to start shit in science class and punched me in the stomach as I laughed. Then a bad influence on said kid I helped out year before showed his ass trying to fight me in front of a crowd and not letting me up to fight back. Then I stopped two guys from double-teaming my good friend and one of the guys fell on his ass when he saw me coming and begged me not to list him in being involved. I said I would if he treated his gf (that everyone knew I liked) good and remembered I coulda had him. Then I was nearly arrested for the bitch who wanted my dad's business starting up again, thinking she had an ally in another co-worker that touched my leg and then acted like I was the one being flirty. Then I got in a fight outside a supermarket with some arab over me liking the band KISS and met my best friend who appeared out of nowhere to look out for me. Then I tried to save a friend from a bad relationship but she didn't listen and got abused sexually by an asshole I said to beware of. Late freshman year I broke both of my arms and nearly my neck. Luckily though, I had good friends to look after me. Since then however, I've had conversations with friends I met afterwards and between me and at least one other dude we seem to think we've been living on borrowed time. No shit, right? Well after I was "damaged goods" it wasn't long before people tried to run off my dad again and even sunk so low as to cause dissention and a seperation in my parents' marriage. Well, my friends didn't put up with that and after themselves being approached and talked shit to, reinforcements from sacramento appeared and someone among us took up a job working for the school. So I applied myself in school at that point and nobody said boo... until April 1999. My high school was the next closest community-wise to columbine high. Any coincidence that this happened not long after the staff at my high school was backed in a corner by cooperative parents and adult school who all attested to my superb attendance and studious studying habits even while attending 9 classes at the high school? Well, since I stayed back a year all the kids who were older that bothered me moved on down to where their "cool dads" (that my mom defeated) lived... the greater Los Angeles area. Nowadays, you're seeing all these pop stars talking stupid shit and acting just like the jerks I beat. I wonder if my being studious at the junior college studying film writing has anything to do with the current strike going on. Is that so people like the ones I ran off before can be in the seats of studio heads and think they have all the authority? Yeah and AOL.com is still the hottest ticket in web browser land. LMFAO! According to my calculations, that'd make you the scab and not me. Correct?